Wednesday, June 3, 2019
İstanbul, 11:50 am
Two things seems to be certain. If I want to continue to do that I need to write those lines with using a pen & a paper; so that it won’t distract me. When you write in front of a computer -especially if it’s a blog post screen- the idea of being watched emerges and I cannot focus properly. The other thing is, I need to postpone to publish those entries at least a week. I will be more comfortable that way. It has been in my mind for a while, that’s why I started journaling regularly a few months ago yet didn’t publish the old ones for some unknown reason.
I also decided two more things: 1) If I strike(?) out a word, I’m going to publish it as it is. 2) If something is really private, like my deepest fears, thoughts or aspirations and/or if something is matter of, say, national security/other people’s’ secrets or something that shouldn’t be known by the masses; I’m going to censor it by using black squares: █
Because this is more sound & mature. I
need want to be someone who is more mature. But being mature I thought about that a lot and found out that I have a fear about being an adult. Yes, it’s a sign of Peter Pan syndrome, I know. I fear that if I become an adult -I believe that’s the wrong word. Not adult but more mature (?) person. I probably need a dictionary- I’m afraid that if I act like a more mature person, I will lose the joy that I naturally have -which is one of the things I love about myself most. The reason
Why do I think like that? Because I’m observing that almost every adult out there lost their spark. They lost their joy. They forgot who they are. They become long-faced. Look at the politicians, look at the thought leaders, authority figures and most of the celebrities who “made it”.
I’m 36. There are responsibilities that I already took. There are plenty of matters that I approach seriously. Most people I come across make comments on how earnest/staid I’m. They were either kind enough or needed to make those kind of comments for some reason. But the reality is that I’m not a grown up person as
I want much as I want to be.
But why do I want to be “grown up”? Because there are many things to do in this life. Many areas to enhance the human experience, many things to upgrade, many ways to improve our lives. And for some reason I cannot turn my face to the other side and ignore it anymore. To achieve all these I need to act like a grown up.
I need to be a grown-up. Because how can you improve things, before you grow(n) first? Isn’t that what I have been doing in the last 3 years? Sharing my experiences that I gathered all those years so that other people won’t face the kind of hardships I had? Now, I need to grow more so that, I can be more helpful to more people.
This comes from need of approval. But I don’t seek any other human beings’ approval. Maybe God’s approval? I wouldn’t call it like that. More like I seek my own approval to be a better human being on my own terms. History is full with people who could contributed immensely yet didn’t for various reasons. I just don’t want to be one of them. I just want to do what I can at the moment. After that, I may go to a beach where nobody knows me and sleep under the sun until I need a relief. Then I would jump to the sea and stay in it while staring the mighty mountains in awe. Then I would eat something plant-based and head in to play with animals.
But until that time, I need to contribute. I’m sure that every man is equally worthy for the Prime Creator, since we are all different manifestations of the same being. The things is, I’m not the Prime Creator consciousness and it seems these days I measure the worth of a man by the contribution he makes. My point of view may change one day but this is how I see the world now.
And I’m willing to act on it.